Graves Eye Disease and Hyperthyroid

The randomness of it all ...

The coffee nearly splashed out of the small styrofoam cup.  And it was only 1/3 full.  How's that you ask?  I picked up the cup while sitting in my bosses office and my hand shook so badly with a strong tremor the coffee nearly splashed out over the top. It would have had I not set it down rather quickly. 

Quite surprised myself I said "did you see that?"  Of course he had.  I picked the cup up again.  What little coffee was in the cup once again sloshed all over.

He thought I was jittery because I was hungry (it was lunch time afterall).  I explained it was the randomness of symptoms associated with my illness and one of those symptoms includes tremors.  It was the first time he'd really seen this happen in person. 

Why the tremors come and go I have no idea.  I only know the hand tremors have indeed made a return and they make their presence known in the most random of ways and times. 

High anxiety, whew!

Well it hit me today, the shakes, the tremors, the all around jitters.  Nothing I could do. 

Got the shakes

Close your eyes. 

Now imagine you've just completed a hard workout.  On an empty stomach.  You're tired, and you're hungry.  And a little weak.  Imagine afterward you drank a full pot of Starbuck's coffee, fully leaded.  How do you feel?  Not so good . . .

That's how I described how I feel to my endocrinologist when I saw him this morning.  Simply put, I told him "I've got the shakes."  What started out as a fine hand tremor is now permeating my entire body from my head to my legs.  My heartbeat is also off a bit.  Every couple of minutes it stalls out and the next beat is hard.  Not anywhere near where it has been in the past.  But it is noticeable. 

Inhale. 

Propranalol.  Of course this fine medicine worked wonders to mitigate those issues in the past.  But recall that after taking it for so long it slowed my heartbeat down too much and I got dizzy.  Often.  And often in front of people.  People I work with.  I wanted to hide.

"Do I go back on it?" I asked my doctor.  In a word--"yes."  I didn't say anything, simply "hmmmmmmmmm." 

He continued ". . . a lower dosage than the lowest dose I took before, twice daily, yes there is some risk but we'll watch you closely and monitor your heart beat.  But the lower dose should take the edge off the tremors, you should do fine."  Reassured, out the door I went and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.  Back to work--edgy, shaky--yet very thankful it's not worse despite not feeling completely well. 

Exhale

The workplace.  It's an interesting place.  In many respects you're on stage, there to perform.  Paid to do so.  I have a close theater friend.  He loves what he does (on the side).  He tells me "it doesn't seem like work."  Nor does my job.  In fact I love what I do.  But hiding the emotional baggage from the outside world caused by Graves Disease IS hard work indeed.  I tiptoe my way into a discussion and the eyes looking back at me, from very intelligent people, people I call friends, are often blank.  They, too, don't always know how to respond.  It's a tricky dance, the workplace stage.  I don't for one minute blame them.  You shouldn't either.  Like any dance, someone has to lead.  And that someone, is me. I don't want to hide any more.

Repeat

It's Halloween tonight.  So . . . here's a question for you.  No tricks.  Except that I'm answering my question with another question . . .

Q: Can you spot any similarity, if not irony, between Halloween and me? 

A: Who's wearing the mask?  Those outside the door, or the woman inside?

Did you get it right?  Good for you!  I'll leave you with this thought . . .

              The mask I wear,

           One day I swear,

           The day will come,

           It, I will shun.

Hands still shaking

Yesterday I wrote that for whatever reason the very fine (but noticeable) tremors in my hands have returned.  Today?  They're still there.  No worse though so that's good.  But I'm watching, and watching carefully.  The good news is so far no other symptoms I had earlier have returned.  But I'm watching, and watching carefully.

Could my hand tremors be returning?

Yesterday I was using the digital video feature of my digital camera.  I zoomed in on the object I was filming and couldn't help but notice how my hands were shaking, I simply could not hold the camera still.  When I got home at night I viewed the files on my own computer and it was obvious.  Then, I held my hand just above my computer mouse, and unbelievably I was unable to steady my hand.  Tremors.  Mind you, they weren't bad, but there WERE there.  So I thought I'd wait a day . . . maybe I had too much caffeine (despite cutting way back, there's still caffeine in caffeine free coffee and iced tea). 

Today, Sunday, the symptoms are still there, there's no denying it. So what do I do?  I'm giving it one week.  Then next Monday I'll decide whether or not I need to go see my doctor.  This time, I won't wait.  I learned that lesson the first time. 

Wish me luck!